just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
