That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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