I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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