96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
