i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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