God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Let's get the cat blown out
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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