if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
