i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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