Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize