he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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