I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
