Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am midnight drunk by noon
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
