My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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