So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
