Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
