May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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