I just gift wrapped bread.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
