I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
