so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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