I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm too high and old for this...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
