Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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