i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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