I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
