My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
