I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
