it was like a zeppelin in a condom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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