If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
