So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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