I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
