My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
