I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
