i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
