If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize