Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
