see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
