I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
