she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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