I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
