nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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