I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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