I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
