We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
