I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize