When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize