So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
