can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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