we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
