I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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