I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize