FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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