Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
MIDGETS
????
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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