i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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