you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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