foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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