please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
