True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
