Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
