and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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