my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
