You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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