He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
