I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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