dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
