i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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