ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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