yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize