He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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